In the basement
by cowcookies
Summary: In order to stay alive you first have to have a reason to go on living. Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Slash, Hurt Tony DiNozzo, First Kiss, First Time, Depression, Tibbs Thanks to Mianmaru for beating. Do not own the characters or anything else but the idea for this story. Reviews are very welcome!
1. In the dark

**In the dark**

Time ran through his fingers. Every day was the same. Get up, breakfast, work, dinner, a movie or a book, bed. He was smiling, laughing, flirting, always good for a witty remark or silly joke. His mask was solid, but his mind was empty and somehow bleak. He was looking like the enjoyable guy, fun-loving even. But he wasn't although no one knew. No one could see through all his carefully build defences.

He wasn't sure when he had started to wear a mask but he couldn't remember being without it any more. In early years, when he was about twenty, he had tried to talk to some people, tried to tell them how he felt and that something was wrong with him. All he had gotten were a few 'It's not like that's or 'It will get better's. So he gave up on talking to people, he pretended 'it wasn't like that' and that 'it got better'.

Here he was at the end of the line. Everyday it got more difficult. It got harder to get up, to eat , to work. To keep his mask up. And still no one noticed. He wasn't suicidal but... wary. If he did die then and there, he wouldn't be sorry about that. Life would just go on. With or without him. Of course some of his friends, his chosen family, would be sad and grieve about him. But not long. And they would go on. He would just be a short-termed memory, if at all.

His tiredness had slowly invaded his work for years. He threw himself in any danger he could find. Always be the one walking in first if they cleared a house. Always in the front row if a weapon was pointed towards the team. Sometimes wishing the bad guy would just pull the trigger. He was the one who took the dangerous and potentially fatal tasks without any hesitation. And they didn't even notice. In some nights he had a bittersweet smile on his face, thinking about the well-trained investigators being so oblivious to him but it just fitted the rest. His mask was solid and he was not worth it sparing a second look.

He got kidnapped, shot, beaten up and only the pain and the thrill of escaping made him at least feel something else than emptiness and sadness.

Today was one of the more worse days

He walked in the bullpen, bright smile on his face.

"Good Morning everyone! Did you have a nice weekend?"

"Not too bad." McGee was smiling at him. "You?"

"Oh, I got a pretty hot date with a nice Yoga-chick. She could bring her…" He could see Ziva shaking her head out of the corner of his eyes.

"Thanks, Tony." The younger stopped him, holding up his hand, like always before he could share too much details.

And he was glad. So he didn't have to come up with a new lie. He had spent his weekend in chosen isolation, not willing to have any social contact, as so often lately. Even frowning about any incoming texts. But forcing himself to answer as rule #3 said. Never be unreachable. Sometimes he snorted about the damn rules but wasn't able to break any of them intentionally.

"Gear up!" Gibbs walked in as he was just about to sit down. A slight tickle ran down his spine. He jumped to his feet and grabbed his bag, badge and gun. "We got a dead Marine in Fort Circle Park."

The work was the same as always. Taking pictures, bagging evidence, listening to the people who found him… always the same and he did that on auto-pilot. He listened to Ducky for his recap for potential cause of death and anything else the ME had to provide up to that point. He teased McGee and Ziva and got only one head-sleap by Gibbs. So far, so good.

Back at the bullpen, they did their usual research on the victim and related people. Without any eye-catching results. Tony took a close look at the bank account of the Marine. Finding some quite interesting debits.

"Boss, this guy was more than once in a small shop. Looks like a book store." Tony announced.

"Go check that. McGee, Ziva you go check the apartment."

"On it, boss."

"Okay, Gibbs."

The agents geared up again and made their way to the ordered locations. Tony was relieved he was on his own. He liked being alone on a trace. No one could watch him, no one judged him or might see his mask slipping.

As he arrived at his destination he was surprised. It was a small store, looking more like an antiquarian book shop. He went in, inhaling the smell of the old books.

"Can I help you?" A man in his mid-thirties addressed him. He was blond, with light blue eyes.

"Ah, yes." Tony showed his badge."I'm special agent DiNozzo, NCIS."

"What can I do for you, agent DiNozzo?"

Tony showed the other a picture of the dead Marine. "Do you know this man?"

"Uhm… yes. This is one of my regular customers. Michael Hobbs."

"Considering his account statement, he is a pretty good customer. What did he buy?"

"He comes several times a week, looking for rare books. He is a collector of first editions of Hemingway and Twain."

"Do you have any documents about his purchases?"

"Of course. I'll get them for you." The other man vanished in the back of the store. Tony took in his surrounding. It was just an ordinary antiquarian book shop. Nothing attracted his attention.

"Here are your documents, Agent DiNozzo."

"Thank you."

Tony left and made his way back to the car. Highly disappointing. He had hoped, the trip would bring further hints regarding the murder. But he couldn't see how some old books could help solve the case.

Absentmindedly he reached his car as a tissue was pressed to his face. He smelled chloroform as two strong arms got a hold on him, he fought to get free but the chemical let him slowly fade away.


	2. Weary of life

**Weary of life**

As the fabric was taken of his face he blinked a few times trying to get used to the bright light. Successfully adjusted, he took in his surroundings. Gray walls, a roller shutter, lots of boxes around him and a table on his right. Tony eyed the man in front of him. Dark hair, brown eyes, five o'clock shadow on his jaw. He could see a mix of anger and panic on the other's face. He was sure he had seen him among the pictures they went through as they were checking the people related to the dead Marine. Petty officer Bryan Something. To complete the stocktaking, he searched for pain or injuries, not noticing any, but he was seated on a chair, his hands tied behind his back.

"Who are you?" The man asked, looking as aggressive as he sounded. Tony just smiled in return.

"How much do you know?" The rising level of aggression send waves of tingles down his spine. That was it. He almost felt alive.

A fist hit his jaw forcefully and he tasted blood. The pain spread through his face and made him smile even brighter. Another fist, this time his attacker punched him right under his right eye. He felt his cheekbone fracture. He was still smiling.

"This will go on for a long time, if you don't start talking!" The man threatened. He didn't care. He didn't mind. Spitting some blood right between the other's feet, he started to talk.

"I'm Tony." His smile was mocking in anticipation of the things to come. "I was looking for someone to spend the night with and I think I strike it rich tonight. Don't you think, cutie?" For this, he earned a blow to his gut and another to his temple.

"Do you have a death wish? I know you are from the NCIS. What do you know about Michael and our business?" His head was pulled back sharp by his hair.

"All I know is that you have a cute ass." He couldn't hold back. His aching need to feel something made him go on. And if he would lose this fight, at least everything would be over then.

The aggressor flipped the chair and he crashed hard to the ground. A booted foot hit his body multiple times. He felt several ribs break and was spitting blood. The attacking foot kicked his head. Once, twice. He faded away, smiling.

 _~His vision was blurry and he had to blink a few times to clear it. He was sitting in Gibbs' basement, on his usual spot on the stairs. His boss was working a piece of wood in front of him. Tony was confused. Wasn't there just a few minutes ago a guy beating the crap out of him._

" _Uhm… boss?" He asked unsecure. "What's going on?" Gibbs said nothing._

" _Boss?" He tried again._

 _The older sighed and let the tool slowly sink to the work bench. With a sad expression on his face, he turned towards him. The younger was shocked. He would never have expected to see concern, fear and caring on the other's face and especially not directed at him._

" _What are you doing, Tony?" The voice was calm and sad._

" _Why boss? I don't do anything."_

" _That's the point. You got rid of your bonds for quite a while but instead of fighting you just let him beat you, getting him to beat you even harder."_

" _But, the bonds are still there. And there could be more bad guys." He tried to defend himself, the sadness in the older's voice making him feel sick._

" _You have loosened them for sometime and you already know it is just him. No one else. You know it is a storage unit with only the roller shutter. No surprising guests. C'mon Tony, fight!"_

" _I can't boss. I'm just too tired." He let his head drop. Feeling the blue eyes on him, he took a deep and shaking breath. "There is no strength left, Gibbs."_

" _There is. Tony! C'mon. Fight. You will not die! You got that?!" The voice was hard and unforgiving now. He glared up at Gibbs. "Why do you care? Why do you care now?" His anger was palpable. "No one cared before!"_

" _I did. Always did."~_

Tony opened his eyes. He tried to wipe the liquid, probably his blood, out of his eyes on his shoulder. The assailant had brought him back to his feed, better he had put the chair back up again. His head and ribs hurt and he was still a bit dizzy. The bonds still quite loose, he straightened his back, feeling a sharp pain in his torso. There was still the taste of blood in his mouth and breathing was hard to do.

"Ahh, sleeping beauty is back. Welcome. Now, will you talk to me?" The dark-haired man was eyeing him closely.

Tony let his head drop, but to the other's astonishment, he started to laugh. A dirty, dark laugh. It shook his whole body.

"You ruined my favorite suit."

"Is that all-" The other wasn't able to finish his sentence before he had caught a mighty strike right into his face. Followed by another punch to the gut. Tony brought his attacker down to the knees with it. Another hard strike and the dark-haired was unconscious.

He wiped away the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand, staring at the other in disgust. He used his former bonds to tie him, making sure they were tight this time. He flicked his phone open after he quickly searched the unconscious man for his belongings and any weapons.

He heard his boss say angrily, "DiNozzo! Where the hell are you?"

"Hey boss. Track my phone down. Got the dirt bag. I wait here." The other hung up as the roller shutter was lifted suddenly and he could only spread his arms, an unbelieving smile on his face. The owner of the book store. He heard the gun as it went off three times. Pain in his hip, in his chest right under the ribs, in his shoulder. He couldn't help but let out a roaring laughter. Figurs. Everything went dark.


	3. Whatever you want

**Whatever you want**

 _~He was back in the basement. Gibbs poured some bourbon in empty jars, handing him one._

 _"So, boss… There was another one." Tony smiled, sipping his alcohol._

 _"Yep…"_

 _"So I was supposed stay alive, till I could tell you where they are. Good move. I should be offended but it just fits, again. Anthony D. DiNozzo here to serve everyone and everything, except himself." He was kind of amused. Of course there couldn't be any other reason to safe him._

 _"No. Just bad luck."_

 _"Bad luck? You could also say it's a coincidence but you know 'there is no such thing as coincidence'. Rule #39." He was strangely calm._

 _"No there isn't. But you are still not allowed to die." Gibbs eyed him with the same calmth in his eyes. The basement started to shake._

 _"Is this an earthquake?"_

 _"No, we just arrived. Found you." His boss took another sip._

 _"In time?" Tony asked._

 _"Don't know. We will see."_

 _"DiNozzo? TONY...Oh fuck! McGee call an ambulance… Tony… oh, don't die." Gibbs body stayed calm in front of him but his voice was full of panic and fear, then turned to an angry whisper._

 _"Was that the real Gibbs?" Tony asked scared by the sudden and not fitting change of voice._

 _"Yup."_

 _Tony was sipping his drink in silence for the moment._

 _"Doesn't sound like him. I don't like the fear." He ended the silence._

 _"In general or just for you?"_

 _He shrugged. "Don't know!"_

 _Light flashed through the basement. Red and blue._

 _"Hang on, Tony. Don't leave." Gibbs whispered. "The EMT is here." The older added, sounding normal._

 _"Are you repeating all words the 'real Gibbs' says?" He asked._

 _His boss nodded._

 _"So could you maybe let me know which are the real one's. It's quite confusing, you know."_

 _Gibbs shrugged. "How?"_

 _"I don't know. Raise your hand or something."_

 _"Will do." The older sipped his drink as the room began to shake again. This time heavier and longer._

 _"So what are we doing now?" Tony asked._

 _"Whatever you want."_

 _"I can do whatever I want?" He was surprised._

 _"Yup."_

 _Tony was perplex. Whatever he wanted. He had absolutely no idea. Sitting on a beach? A nice café in France? Disney World? A movement caught his eyes. Gibbs had raised his index finger. "Don't do that to me." It was a strangled low sound._

 _"This is so strange, Gibbs. You would never say something like that to me. How should I believe that you do now?" He was grinning._

 _"You should think about it. Maybe you missed something."_

 _"What do I miss?" Tony whined, as the lights started to flicker. He eyed the lamp but Gibbs' answer distracted him._

 _"Won't tell. You have to figure it out by yourself."_

 _"But I'm dieing. You could help me, boss!" He smiled. Gibbs came over and head-slapped him._

 _"Thank you, boss." He loved it. It made him feel normal._

 _"So did you chose something to do?" Gibbs was standing in front of him now._

 _"How much time do I have?"_

 _"Don't know. Some." His boss was smiling fondly at him._

 _"You know what… I've always enjoyed spending time with you. What about a steak and a game?" He wiggled his eyebrows._

 _"You really want only a steak and a game? You can do every thing you like." The older was surprised._

 _"And that's what I like." He got up draining his drink. "Let's go."_

 _They made the way up to the living room. As Tony entered it, he nearly jumped in excitement. In front of the old lumpy couch was a huge flat screen._

 _"Wow, boss! Thanks."_

 _"Don't thank me." The other shrugged his shoulders. "Is your thing."_

 _"Right but… Look at this!" He had turned the tv on. It gave an unpleasant peep for several seconds and then showed him old news. "There must be at least a million channels!" He dropped on the couch, switching through the programmes. The older sat next to him, still a fond smile on his face. Tony eventually settled for a football game and looked curiously over to his boss._

 _"Where are we now? Is the 'real you' gone?"_

 _"Yep." He was kind of disappointed, hearing the answer. "You are in op."_

 _"Will they save me?"_

 _"Depents. We will see."_

 _"On what?"_

 _"You have to find out yourself." At this, Tony frowned. He didn't want to find out, he wanted to know. The threatening death was still not scary, especially not here with Gibbs on his side. But there had to be really something he missed if he was still alive. More or less._

 _"Are you not preparing the stakes?" He asked mockingly._

 _"Done!" The older pointed to the coffee table and he saw two big juicy pieces of meat, each sitting on a plate._

 _"That is just great." The younger grabbed the plate and started inhaling his steak._

 _"You are out of op now." The older informed him, as the floor started to shake, anew. Tony grunted a sign of acknowledgment, as he was still focused on the screen, munching his food. Gibbs settled back, placing an arm on the backrest and propping up his feet on the table. Tony leaned back as well. He felt surprisingly good. Better than in years. Fed, comfy and relaxed next to his boss. All his problems gone, nothing wrong with his life or himself. He felt his mask slowly lower._

 _Gibbs raised his index finger. "God, Tony. Please don't leave me. I can't stand this… not again. They said they had lost you on the table twice. They are not sure you will make it. Keep fighting. Please. I know you are strong enough." Tony shivered, hearing the broken whisper._

 _"What do you mean with 'can't stand this again'? I never died before. At least I was never this close." He asked._

 _"Can't tell yo-"_

 _"Yeah, Yeah… I have to figure it out by myself." Tony shighed. "You know boss, I'm really thankful to have one last steak with you."_

 _"You could have everything."_

 _"I know but… I don't really enjoy many things in my life. This is probably the only one." His mask was falling completely, now. "I'm tired. This life has worn me out. There is nothing left for me." A loud, unpleasant and permanent peep came from the tv and Gibbs rose his finger again. "NO TONY! NO! C'MON! NURSE!" This time the older yelled with a desperation, letting the younger's blood freeze immediately._

 _"Are you sure?" The older added to the screams in a normal calm way, after taking down his finger._

 _"I think so." Tony shrugged._

 _"Why of all places have you choosen to eat and watch a game with me?"_

 _"I told you I enjoy spending time with you." He was annoyed._

 _"Why?"_

 _"Because I like you!"_

 _"Why?"_

 _"I DON'T KNOW…" He ruffled his hair in anger._

 _"Why, Tony?"_

 _"Because you are the only one… You give me the feeling, I'm worth something… You are the only one making me feel… something..." Now he was rubbing his face. It was a confession he didn't like. No wonder, he never went down this way, not even in his head. The peep stopped and morphed into a steady low peeping somewhere in the back of the sound from the tv. Oh no. Not the finger, not now. "Don't do that again, Tony. Please!" It was the broken whisper once more. The Gibbs next to him let his fingers glide through his hair and then caressed his face with the back of his hand._

 _"What are you doing?" He asked bewildered, staring in shock into the blue eyes._

 _"Not me. 'Real Gibbs'!" His boss looked at him fondly anew._

 _"What?! Why?!... Don't… I know, you can't tell." Tony frowned. "Didn't you touch me earlier?"_

 _"Sure did but you didn't noticed. Too far away." The older was now taking his hand in his and let it rest on his leg._

 _"You wouldn't do this. You would head-slap me or something but you would never be so… gentle…"_

 _"Wouldn't I?"_

 _"No, at least not to me." Tony was staring on their joined hands. It was strange to sit here like this. Nice, there was no doubt but strange. A warmth spread in his chest. What was this all about. Gibbs' words spun in the younger's head 'not again'. It seemed important. But how? Why? He interlaced his fingers with the other's and fumbled absentmindedly on Gibbs digits._

 _Ducky's voice flooded through the open window, "He is out of danger, for now. Unfortunately we have to wait at least another night. He lost a lot of blood. My dear Jethro, you look awful, if I may say so. Did you sleep at all?"_

 _Gibbs held up his finger, "I'm fine, Ducky."_

 _"Don't worry, young Anthony, is strong."_

 _Still raised finger: "Ducky…" The word was soaked in fear and helplessness._

 _"I know, Jethro. I know."_

 _Tony was looking at the older in concern. "Are you okay?" The other just shrugged. "Oh c'mon, I need to know." Suddenly a terrible feeling crawled up his spin and he squeezed the hand in his more tightly. Gibbs raised his finger once more. "He's moving... Tony. Come back. Come back to me! Please!"_

 _"He will Jethro!" Ducky's voice sound comforting but not really convincing. Tony smiled. He hadn't heard Gibbs saying 'please' very often, especially not to him. A life's worth of his stock on the word. And all used for him. It was strangely out of character. His boss was in total out of character. So gentle, nearly loving. Could Gibbs actually care for him? Why did he care, if the other cared? So much 'care', his head spun._

 _"What now?" Tony asked, starting to fumble on the digits anew._

 _"Whatever you want."_

 _"I want to check on you. Can I wake up?"_

 _"Nope. Not now."_

 _"Awww…" He groaned. "I need to check on you!"_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Don't start that again!"_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Arrr… Because I'm worried."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"You're really driving me insane, you know?"_

 _"Tony…"_

 _"Okay, okay… I'm worried because I care for you."_

 _"Care?"_

 _"Your monosyllabic attitude really annoys me."_

 _"Are you avoiding this particular train of thoughts?"_

 _"Nnnnnnooooo…." Tony looked skeptically at the older and was greeted with piercing stare. "I'm not avoiding… I just… don't know what to say… I care about you… What do you want to hear."_

 _"Can't-"_

 _"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…" Tony sighed. "You know what, I'll go for a walk or something. I can do that, right?"_

 _"Whatever you want." Gibbs nodded, then raised his finger, "I'll be back in a minute. Don't die!" And with this he pressed a kiss on Tony's forehead._

 _"Did you just kiss me?" His eyes widened in disbelief._

 _"Looks like, doesn't it." The older let a half-smile show. Tony got up, shaking his head. This was so confusing. Gibbs was so tender. It nearly scared the shit out of him. He walked out of the door._

 _He was stunned as he saw the bullpen. He couldn't get used to the fact, that he was not in the real world. He stood in the middle of his former life, taking in all those familiar things._

 _"I thought you wanted to go for a walk." Gibbs said looking up from behind his desk._

 _"That was the plan. But apparently my mind decided differently." Tony couldn't help but smile. Gibbs grunted in return. Tony walked down the aisle, seeing McGee and Ziva sitting in their usual spots. A bittersweet smile appeared on his face._

 _"Why do they not care?" Again that word but he couldn't find something else fitting._

 _"They don't?"_

 _"No, they don't! No one noticed, that I'm in trouble."_

 _"Could they?"_

 _"It was so obvious. It was written plain on my face."_

 _"Was it?"_

 _"Oh, c'mon Gibbs! This is getting really annoying, now!" Tony growled._

 _"Was it?"_

 _"Ohhh hell… maybe not. But they are investigators. They should be able to see through things."_

 _"Maybe you are even better in hiding things."_

 _"Possible…" He indulged._

 _"Don't you think, they would help. Do everything to ease your pain?" Gibbs' blue eyes were steady on him and he shivered._

 _"Apparently I do so, otherwise you wouldn't say it, would you?" His smile became honest._

 _"Smartass!" Gibbs grinned._

 _"You still gone? It's so silent out there."_

 _"Yup. McGee is here."_

 _"Doesn't he say something?"_

 _"Sure. You are just too far away, once more."_

 _"But I can sense his presence?" Gibbs nodded in return. Hu… interesting…"What can I do to hear him?"_

 _"Mhhh… try to focus on it."_

 _Tony took a chair and sat in front of the probie's desk. His eyes fixed on the younger, he concentrated on him. C'mon McSilent speak. Mere minutes passed but nothing happened._

 _"He doesn't talk." Tony said disappointed._

 _"Keep your focus on him." Gibbs answered without looking up from his files._

 _"Why doesn't he talk with me in here like you?"_

 _"Because your mind didn't make him."_

 _"Did you actually answer my question?"_

 _"You're making progress. Slow but you do."_

 _"Uh? Progress? Let me guess I don't have to ask what kind, do I?" Tony focused back on the junior agent, as Gibbs shook his head._

 _Speak! Speak! He willed the other to make at least a noise but he was just reading his reports._

 _"He won't spe-" Tony interrupted himself as he saw McGee's lips move. He focused even more, if possible. A low incomprehensible whisper. Speak!_

 _"...out of control. I don't know what got into him. I can understand that you being shot and close to dead is not easy. It got me pretty hard as well but he is really on the edge. He never left your side… I have never seen Gibbs like this. You should have seen him as Ziva asked something about the report. She can be glad her head is still on her shoulders. We need you, Tony. Without you it would never be the same." McGee's voice was a mix of fear and sadness. Tony couldn't believe it. He sat in astonishment, listening to the other's words. "Gibbs is coming back. He stopped yelling at the doctor. I'll better go. I hope you can hear me but anyway, I really miss you Tony. Don't die on us. I don't know what I should do without you… Hi boss…"_

 _Gibbs lifted his finger, "McGee. You can leave now." The words didn't let any other option, growled low and threatening._

 _"Yes boss. Bye Tony."_

 _Gibbs was suddenly on his side as Tony was still watching the probie. He leaned down and press a long kiss to his forehead. The older's finger still lifted he said, "I'm back. Better you do the same." The voice was somehow tender and a bit pleading._

 _"You kissed me again…" It still was shocking for him. Gibbs took his hand again, caressing the back of Tony's hand with his thumb. He got butterflies in his tummy._

 _"Um… can I be all of my own? No NCIS, no…um... you" He asked bewildered by the butterflies and with an urgent need to run and hide._

 _"Everything you want. Everything."_

 _His surroundings turned white in a blinding flash.~_


	4. Into the white

**Into the white**

 _~He was sitting on a white ground, surrounded by white nothing. His heart was pounding so hard against his ribs, it nearly hurt. Pulling his knees to his body he buried his head between them, rubbing through his hair with both hands. Tony sighed deeply._

 _He had to collect and sort his thoughts. Fucking butterflies. Where are there coming from? A wall appeared out of nowhere as he leaned back, letting his arms rest on his knees and his head against the wall. Fuck._

 _'...not again'_

 _'I don't know what got into him.'_

 _'You kissed me again…'_

 _'Are you avoiding this particular train of thoughts?'_

 _'You are the only one making me feel… something…'_

 _'Did you just kiss me?_

 _'He never left your side…'_

 _'I don't know what got into him.'_

 _'Did you just kiss me?'_

 _'...not again'_

 _'Are you avoiding this particular train of thoughts?'_

 _'You kissed me again…'_

 _'He never left your side…'_

 _'Hang on, Tony. Don't leave.'_

 _'You are the only one making me feel… something…'_

 _'I don't know what got into him.'_

 _'Are you avoiding this particular train of thoughts?'_

 _All the words loudly echoed around in the emptiness. Again and again. Even as he plugged his fingers in his ears, he was still able to hear it. He desperately tried to get rid of them but with no success._

 _He felt all the gentle touches, all the kisses and, to make it worse, all of the head-slaps and ordinary touches Gibbs had given him in real life over the years. They were on shuffle like the words and with every touch, word, kiss the butterflies doubled. For god sake!_

 _It can't be. He can't be in… No. He can't. Not with… No._

 _He felt sick. An urgent need to vomit, flee, die, whatever helps, engulfed his body._

 _No… It can't be… No…_

 _Inside of him, a war of emotions lit up. He shook his head violently, trying to get rid of everything._

 _He cried out. A loud and desperate sound. Throwing his head back further. Tears ran down his face and, out of nowhere, Gibbs was kneeling in front of him, taking him in his arms. He buried his face in the older's chest and sobbed helplessly. His boss was rubbing his back soothingly until he calmed down._

 _He hated emotions and had mostly avoided them. They always made him feel weak. He didn't know how he was supposed to cope with them. Mostly it ended in a big explosion like this one._

 _"Can we go home now?" Tony's voice was shaking. "I think I understand." Gibbs was smiling and nodded._

 _In a split second they sat on the older's couch again. His boss was in the same position as earlier. Leand back, feet on the table and arm on the backrest. Tony hesitated but then cuddled to his side, resting his hand on the other's leg._

 _"So can I wake up now? I need to check on you."_

 _"Nope."_

 _"WHAT?! WHY?! I thought I figured it out."_

 _"You did."_

 _"But why can't I wake up, then?"_

 _"It's not the right time."_

 _"What are we waiting for?" He groaned_

 _"Me."_

 _"Are you not here?"_

 _"Nope." Tony's heart clenched._

 _"Why?"_

 _The other shrugged his shoulders. "You had been gone for a while."_

 _"And he didn't wait?"_

 _"Couldn't. I told you I had to go back to work."_

 _"How long was I gone?"_

 _"Don't know. Months."_

 _"MONTHS?!" Fear creeped up in his chest. "Are you visiting me sometimes?"_

 _"Yup."_

 _The younger didn't dare to ask further, instead he took the remote control and turned on the tv. He couldn't help but cuddle closer to Gibbs, taking his arm down, placing it around his shoulders. Letting the closeness chase away his fear._

 _They watched several of his favorite movies and ate another steak but with every minute the nagging feeling inside him grew._

 _"Is there a chance?" Tony asked._

 _"Can't tell."_

 _"I'm really sick of this!" His words were sharp but his small smile betrayed him. At least it wasn't a 'no'._

 _As the next movie ended, Gibbs turned to press his lips to Tony's forehead, lifting his index finger, "Hey Tony."_

 _His heart jumped. He was there. His heart sunk. He was there._

 _"I have to know… Is there a chance?"_

 _The other shrugged his shoulders once more, as he took the younger's hand. Tony interlaced their fingers, starting to grope on them absentmindedly._

 _Gibbs lifted both hands and braced his index finger, "Tony? Might that be the day? C'mon." He could clearly hear hope in the whispered words. He squeezed the hand in his to answer._

 _"Every time I feel you squeezing my hand I hope it would be the day to wake up. Wake up, Tony! Please... I couldn't save my girls and now you… Please, I can't cope with this… not again. Wake up." Now the words were pleading and desperate but still low. Tony froze in shock. Had Gibbs just compared him to his girls? Suddenly he realised why '...not again' was so important, what it meant._

 _He slowly got to his feet. "I should go now." He said calmly, as he bent down to kiss Gibbs forehead. "Thank you."_

 _"As I said, don't thank me. It's your thing."_

 _"Maybe but-" The head-slap made him stop. "Thanks, boss."_

 _He let his view wander around, as if he was looking for thinks he could have forgotten. A satisfied expression crossed his face before he walked out of the door. ~_

Tony opened his eyes slowly. He felt exhausted, not able to move a muscle. The room was dark and except for the medical machines, he could hear nothing. Was Gibbs already gone. Did he have to wait till tomorrow? Tony wanted to frown about that thought but noticed he had a tube in his throat. Only a strange strangled noise escaped.

He tried to move his head but all he could see was the ceiling. Tony could feel the hand of Gibbs on his. As the grip tightened, he used all his strength left to look towards the end of his bed. A warm feeling welled up in him, as a weak smile spread on his face.

Gibbs was sitting in a chair next to his bed, his head on Tony's thigh, face turned away. Nose in the crook of his own elbow and the other hand clinging to the younger's. He was here.

Tony gathered all his strength and let his hand slip out of the grip. Gibbs stirred but didn't wake. The younger let his fingers caress the hair on the back of the other's head. Gibbs stirred once more and babbled something incomprehensible. Tony sighed and closed his eyes.


	5. Surely be loved

**Surely be loved**

"Good morning, Tony!" A kiss was pressed to his forehead. "I'll be back later." Tony opened his eyes, weariness blurred his vision. He blinked a few times to focus on the silhouette standing next to him. Gibbs downed the rest of his coffee, considering the smell and the man in question, eyes focused on the window. Tony mouth curled into a smile, his fingers found the other's. Gibbs' head twitched in his direction.

"You… are… you… God..." He was on his side in a split second, sliding the fingers through Tony's hair. The younger wanted desperately to say something but the tube didn't let him.

"Shh, I'll get the doctor." He kissed his temple before he got up.

Tony could hear him growl outside the room. It was the old, grumpy, slightly threatening kind and only a few minutes later a doctor rushed in. She checked his vitals and pupils and started to ask a few question, he could answer with a nod or shake of his head.

"I got to go, Tony. I'll be back as soon as I can. You better be still here then." It was still the old grumpy Gibbs but his crooked smile betrayed him. The SFA just nodded, feeling a mixture of disappointment and anticipation, as the other left. He was worried about him. Gibbs didn't look quite well, kind of worn out and still tired. Years older, in a way...

The doctor was busy checking his vitals for the third time. Tony tried to speak.

"Better don't talk, right now, Mr. DiNozzo. We will remove the tube in a few seconds."

It was a most unpleasant feeling as the thing was pulled out of his throat. He coughed and gasped, while his mouth was sore and it burned. A nicely built nurse handed him a glas with a straw and he thankfully sipped the cold water.

"Now, there you go. This is better. You have to stay in bed and I will be back later to check on you." The doctor informed him.

"Okay." His voice was hoarse and broken.

"Hi, I'm Susan. If you need anything just push this button." Tony nodded to answer the nurse. "You were lucky. Your injuries were pretty bad." She was beating up the pillows for him and he nodded once more. "There was not much hope. But your...um…partner refused to give up." Tony noticed the question in her sentence.

"My boss?"

"Oh… my boss wouldn't do that for me." She smiled, looking knowingly at him.

"What?"

"He spent every single hour he could manage on your side. Whispering to you. He slept most of the nights here. The first two weeks he was here 24/7."

"Really?" No wonder why Gibbs just looked like crap. Sleeping in the chair wasn't that restful at all, especially not for longer.

"Uh-hu. All of the other came also as often as they could. Tim, Abby, Ducky, Jimmy, Ziva. Hell, they nearly live here. You must surely be loved. " She chuckled. "Often I had to admonish them, because they had spread files all over and several laptops around you, discussing a case. So they could work and stay by your side. Or at least I think so, they always went silent when I entered. I have never seen something like this." She shook her head, still smiling. He couldn't believe, what he just heard. He was loved? By all of them? His mind couldn't wrap around that thought.

"How long?"

"You are here? For nearly seven weeks." Tony gasped. It hadn't felt this long.

"Gibbs was always here?"

Her face brightened. "Yes. He held your hand all the time. As long as the others weren't around, anyway but I sometimes could see him sneak his hand into yours covered by a file, so the others didn't notice. Every morning he kissed you goodbye and when he came back he kissed you to say hello. But don't worry your secret is safe with me."

"Secret?"

"Oh c'mon. I wished someone would love me the way he loves you." Tony's eyes widened in astonishment. "Don't tell me you didn't know. I thought you two had a secret-relationship-thing going on."

"No… but I guess I did know. At least subconsciously." He started to cough. Long sentences weren't a wise thing to do.

"Oh… may I ask… um… What about you?" Tony just smiled and it seemed to be answer enough for Susan. "Too bad, all the good guys are taken or gay… And I'm sure in your case it is both soon…" She laughed as she saw Tony making a face. "Don't worry, both is fine. You should rest now. I'm sure Gibbs will be back in no time."

Tony closed his eyes, let himself fade away into hopefully nice dreams.

It felt, as if he had just closed his eyes. He woke feeling a body plastered to him. He hummed in approval, moving his arms around the torso, giving it a weak squeez. Kisses covered his face.

"Hi Abs!" He said not opening his eyes, still holding her tight.

"TONY!" She squeaked in delight then her voice changed. "What do you mean, with 'hi Abs'? Don't you know what you have done to me? I'm-"

"Abs…" Gibbs warning voice interrupted and Tony opened his eyes.

"Right, bossman... " Abby placed another few kisses on his face. "I'm so happy you are back. Don't do that again." She crawled off the bed and he could see all his friends, McGee was next to Abby, taking his hand for a quick squeeze and smiling fondly at him. Ziva was on the other side of the bed looking at him, kind of relieved and happy. Ducky and Palmer eyed him gladly, while they were bent over his medical record. Only Gibbs was in the far end of the room leaning against the threshold, arms crossed, his head slightly bent to the side, a crooked smile visible. His blue eyes fixed on Tony's, his stare intense. The younger shivered. He wanted to get lost in those eyes, forever.

"How are you, Tony?" Ziva ask.

He teared his eyes away from the deep blue."Tired but fine. My throat still hurts a bit. But yeah… fine." He let his gaze wander back to Gibbs as he said the last word. Ziva touched his leg and he smiled at her.

"Did you catch the bad guy?"

"Yes. The guy who shoot you, Petty Officer Bryan Shore and Hobbs smuggled valuable antiques. Hobbs wanted to quit and they killed him." McGee explained, lowering his voice he added, "Gibbs was about to beat the shit out of them… and us, sometimes..." The probie let his view flicker to his boss, kind of scared, as he whispered the last three words.

"That's good." Tony was smothering a yawn. "I mean that you caught them." He smiled.

"Your health condition, is indeed very good, for what happened to you." Ducky stated satisfied. "I think you are back home soon, Anthony."

Tony yawned, this time not able to suppress it. He eyed the faces in front of him. He could see the the happiness, and relief in each, except for Gibbs'. The older was staring out of the window. No emotion detectable on his features. Tony yawned once more.

"So I think this is enough for now." Susan's head appeared behind Gibbs' shoulder. She stepped further into the room bringing Tony a new bottle water.

"Yeah, we better go." Ziva nodded.

"We will be back soon." Tim told him as Abby plastered his face with kisses, again.

Tony giggled. "I'll take you up on that."

"Bye, Tony."

Susan was standing by his side, watching them go. She placed her hand on his shoulder, smiling at him.

"I know it's useless to ask you to leave, Gibbs but please, he needs to rest." Susan narrowed her eyes in a hard and warning gaze. Gibbs nodded once, his crooked smile solid on his face and his piercing blue eyes on her. It seemed as if the nurse, knew his boss quite well by now. She walked towards the door, touching the older's shoulder familiarly.

He sighed in relief, as they all had left. He was quite exhausted. Gibbs was still standing in the threshold, watching him. The younger yawned, for the fifth or sixth time. Gibbs moved over, his movements sure, he sat down in the chair next to Tony. It seemed as if the older had done that many times. He placed an arm on Tony's bed but not touching him.

"Glad you're back."

"Me, too." He felt like a nervous teen. Gibbs just stared at him, unreadable. "Susan said you visited me often."

"We did."

"No, I mean you." Tony let his finger touch the digits of the other but couldn't bring himself to look at him. No answer. He started to play with the fingers. "I heard you talking to me."

Gibbs remained silent just looking at him, maybe judging him. Tony frowned. Insecurity took over. Had he just imagined it? But no, as he had woken up, Gibbs had kissed him and what Susan had told him seemed to underline all of it. What was it now? He concentrated his gaze on the other, studying him. For a brief second, he could see it. He could see the reason for Gibbs restraint manner compared to the morning or the whispered words. Gibbs was as insecure as Tony was. The unshockable Gibbs. Tony wanted to laugh but instead he let his hand slide into the other's, saying, "Don't tell me I came back for nothing."

The older took a deep breath as Tony continued, "You must know I only came back for you. All the words you said, made me come back. You made me come back."

Gibbs rose. Letting the younger's hand go as he moved. His gaze still fixed on Tony's eyes. He shivered, longing for the man in front of him. But Gibbs just stood and stared.

"For god sake, Gibbs." He shot up, grabbing the jacket of the older and janked him in his direction, ignoring the pain in several body parts. "You weren't this reserved as I was unconscious." The gray-haired was now only inches away from him. Surprised blue eyes narrowed on his. "What more do I need to do to make you move?" Tony whispered sharp.

The other slowly closed the gap between them, millimeter by millimeter, as if to give him the opportunity to back away. Tony wanted to scream but he needed him to take the last inches on his own.

Soft lips brushed his as one hand cupped his cheek. This short touch send waves over waves of butterflies through his whole body. The lips increased the touch on his and he released all his longing and insecurity in a low moan. He let his hands wander over Gibbs' side and around his back. He pulled the older on top of him, needing him close, as close as he could possibly be. He heard Gibbs groan deep as he relaxed into his embrace. The silver-haired caressed his lips tenderly but not deeping the kiss. Tony soaked in every little tickle the other caused within him.

He felt the pain rising in his chest caused by the weight rested on top of his body. He pulled back and breathed heavily.

"Too much for my body." He managed to say, as Gibbs studied him. In an instant the other was back on his feet, muttering something under his breath.

"Relax. It was my fault. Needed to feel you." He smiled, his face still showing pain. Tony took Gibbs' hand and pulled him closer again. Making him sit down next to him.

"So…Um…"

"Mhh…" Gibbs leant over to press another kiss on his lips. "You scared me." Tony was shocked. This was nothing he ever expected to hear from his boss.

"Sorry, boss." Was all he could manage.

"Wouldn't survive it… not again." Gibbs stared at their now interlaced fingers.

"I know." His gaze fixed on the blue eyes, taking in every little detail, not wanting to miss something.

"I never thought you would be into…" Gibbs trailed off.

"I wasn't… I think it is just you… Never thought about any other guy… When I was away, I realised you are the reason why I'm still alive. Why I should go back, wake up. Even though I was so tired."

"I… you know… It is a long time now…" Tony was surprised. Did his boss just admit he cared for him for a long time?

"I didn't know you are into…" Now Tony hesitated.

"It was news to me, too…" The younger felt his heart jump. Could someone really care for him or dare he say 'love' him so much to ignore the own sexuality? Could he be so special to someone? First and foremost, Gibbs?

"So you are not really gay?" He saw the older's eyes narrow and, regretted the stupid question immediately.

"I give a shit about stereotypes! All I know is that I love you and I don't care if you are a woman or a man!" Gibbs growled, looking directly into the younger's eyes. All Tony could do was to throw himself into his arms. That was all he needed. Being special to someone. Being special to an old, grumpy Marine let him feel more alive than any pain or fatal task in his past could have made him. He felt his hands on his back, as he was pulled closer. "God Tony, never do that to me again!" It was the broken whisper he had heard so often in his absence.

"Sorry, bo… um… Jethro. I'll try." Tony smiled as he looked up to the older.

"Not enough! Promise!" The blue eyes were hard and demanding.

"Never leaving you again. I promise."

"Never?"

"Never!"


	6. Epilog

**Epilog**

Tony woke. The light stung his eyes and the smell of coffee lingered in the air. He frowned. Damn Gibbs! He got up, paddled down-stairs and into the kitchen.

Gibbs was preparing breakfast. He let his arms move around his chest, cuddling to his back. The other's hands cupped his, as his head turned to watch Tony out of the corner of his eyes.

"Don't like waking up without you." Tony frowned. He started to nipple on the neck in front of him. "Then I can't do things like this." He brought out betwem the nippleing an kissing, letting his hands find the way under the shirt and glide up the other's belly. He felt Gibbs shiver. He couldn't resist biting into his neck.

"I'll go take a shower." Tony stated. "I'm back down, for breakfast on time, angel." He heard Gibbs frown as he left.

Tony enjoyed the warm spray and allowed himself to take some time to relax. His bones and injuries were healed but still he had days in pain ahead of him. Not many and of course he would never let Gibbs know but basking in his new found happiness couldn't hurt. He still struggled to believe they all cared and his mask was most of the time as solid as before but now he managed to lower it just a bit, at times. Maybe, just maybe, one day he would be able to allow his family to see his real self.

He stepped out of the shower and toweled himself down, wrapping the fabric around his hips. He just dried his hair as he walked into the bedroom.

A strong hand grabbed him and pulled him into an embrace. It took Tony off guard, his eyes covered with the towel, he didn't see it coming. As soon as the fabric was pulled off, lips crushed on his. He moaned and immediately felt his cock stir. Gibbs took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. His tongue demanded entrance and Tony wasn't about to deny it. Feeling the other's tongue sliding against his made his knees go weak and the arms tightened around him to hold him steady. He moaned as Gibbs' hard length grinded against his groin.

"Can't leave me in the kitchen alone, after biting me." Gibbs growled while he was kissing along his cheek and down towards his neck. Tony definitely needed to remember that for later. He let his fingertips caress the soft skin, down the spine and felt him shiver. The older grabbed his ass, pulling him of the floor and smashed him hard against the bathroom door. Tony's nails dug into his back, as he was sucking and biting his neck in return. He felt Gibbs' hard cock rubbing over his skin. The other's fingers found his entrance, caressing the tight ring of muscles lovingly. Massaging him. His own cock twiched and leaked, looking for some friction. Tony was moaning as in alternation the fingers rubbed and play over his hole. With a sudden move Gibbs lay him down on the bed. Taking Tony in, spread out, cock twitching and leaking, towel lost somewhere in between touches and kisses. The younger felt the lingering gaze trickle down his body. Seeing Gibbs in just his boxers, with this lust- hungry eyes, let him groan in anticipation.

He was out of hospital for three days now and both agreed unspoken to take it slow, but now it seemed as if he had just found a trigger.

Gibbs was slowly crawling over him, eyes never leaving his. Mouth crashed hard on mouth. Licking over his lips, Gibbs tongue wanted entrance. The invasion wasn't gentle but fired up by passion and longing. The older's hands moved over his skin. Caressing the new scars gently. He trembled at the feeling of these hands. Rough and strong. The silver-haired followed the way of his fingers with his lips, slowly kissing down Tony's chest. He fisted into the older's hair, as Gibbs licked along his lucky trail.

"God, angel. You drivin' me crazy!" Tony sighed.

Gibbs growled as he made his way further down. His lips brushed over the tip of Tony's cock, as the fingers found his hole again. The younger let his hands slide through the silver hair, groaning and humming in approval as his angel closed the lips around his hard length. His hips buckled up as the wet heat engulfed him. The older moaned low. He loved the feeling of the others mouth sliding up and down his cock.

He would have never imagined someone could make him feel so wonderful. It was just perfect. Everything was perfect.

He let out a surprised gasp as cool lubed fingers danced along between his cheeks, he was so caught up in the sensation that he hadn't even noticed how the older got the lube. But he didn't care a bit either. He just wanted to savor all the caresses and touches the other would give him.

Gibbs slowly pushed past the muscles and inch by inch he let his digit glide deeper into Tony. As he was as deep as possible he stilled his finger, as if to let the younger adjust.

"Tell me, is it alright?" The older's voice was husky and heavy with lust.

The younger just moaned, not able to say a single word.

"C'mon, hon, tell me. Tell me what you want me to do to you?" The older licked along his shaft.

"Oh, god… love me… fuck me… do whatever you want!" Tony brought out, in desperate need to make Gibbs move and touch again.

He felt the digit move in side him and nearly went off only by this feeling. The other quickened the pace and let his finger fuck his entrance harder. He twitched and wiggled as Gibbs took his cock back into his mouth, sucking him in deep.

"More!" He pressed out and another finger carefully entered him. Sliding in and out. Stretching him. Pleasing him in ways he hadn't known before.

As the other pressed the third finger into him he was about to explode.

"Fuck...meeee… pleeeease... "

Gibbs flicked him onto his stomach. Kissing his ass, the small of his back and up his spine, he crawled up the younger's body. Waves of pleasure ran through Tony. The hard cock was slowly pressed between his cheeks, rubbing over his entrance and down to his balls. Oh. God. Yes. The other let his hard length find his hole again. He felt the tip of it slowly being pressed in. Agonizingly slow. He groaned as the head was completely inside him. There was some pain, somewhere far away but the sensation of Gibbs burying himself inside Tony was overwriting everything.

As he was entirely filled, the older stilled again. Resting his forehead on his back.

"That. Is... ahhh… God…" The older sighed, sucking his neck.

"Fuck… Gibbs… move!"

He moved. Tony's insides exploded. That was… The slow steady rhythm made him moan deep. The gentle movements let shivers wash down his spine and pool somewhere deep inside. "More!" He sighed and the other started to push in more rapidly. The feeling of the hard flesh moving in and out. Fucking him hard. He being pressed to the bed. Pinned down by Gibbs. The panting breath in his ear. Smell of sweat and sex in his nose. The rough hands holding his arms in place. The balls slapping against his. The need coiled in his groin. Thrusts. Harder. Deeper. Faster. Fingers pushed between his. Holding on to him. Forehead pressed to his skin. Hoarse whisper in his ear. Not broken but lustful. Possessive hand holding him down. Teeth on his neck.

It was all too much, but not enough. The sensations threatened to overwhelm him. Digging his fingers into the sheets, still feeling the other's entwined with his, he couldn't deny himself anymore.

With a loud groan of Gibbs' name, he went over the edge. Waves of unknown pleasure flooded him, making his whole body tickle. He wiggled and twitched, all muscles tensed, as his orgasm washed him away.

On the last wave back to earth, he felt Gibbs slam in hard and irregular. Groaning and moaning in pleasure. The cock twitched inside him as the older released himself into him. If he hadn't been over the edge already this feeling would have done it.

Gibbs collapsed on top of him. Both panting and gasping hard.

A kiss was pressed to his neck before Gibbs got up and said, "Time for a shower and breakfast, hon."

Tony frowned at the loss of the others body. "I just had a shower."

"Your choice." The older smiled mockingly and vanished into the bathroom. Reluctantly, Tony followed. The shower with Gibbs was… efficient and Tony frowned when the silver-haired left the bathroom way to soon.

As the younger walked down the stairs for the second time this morning, he saw Gibbs' sitting on the couch, leaning comfortingly, arm on the backrest and feet propped up on the table.

The younger smiled about this so familiar picture. It made him feel safe and at peace. He let himself fall next to the man he loved. Gibbs moved his arms around Tony's shoulders, pulling him closer.

"Glad I'm back, angel!"

"Me, too but why are you calling me angel? This is not exactly what would come to my mind as a nickname for me."

"But you are."

"An angle?" The older sounded surprised.

"Yes, my guardian angel." Tony pressed a kiss on the olders jaw. "You saved me."

"Us." Gibbs whispered into his hair before kissing it softly.

The end.


End file.
